Our parents have way more influence on our careers than we might think.
And it’s not always a bad thing. After all most parents have our best interest in mind. They may have useful insights into what our talents and predispositions might be. The better parents also express unconditional positive regard for their children and strongly believe in their ability to face challenges and succeed. This is an invaluable lifetime asset that sets someone up for success.
But as parents are just regular human beings, they too can err in their belief about who we are and what’s best for us. They might innocently infuse us with their beliefs about who we are, our personality, capabilities, potential, and even what job we ought to pursue.
When I was in my teens, my mother always said that I was a ‘social’ person and she was convinced that I was suitable to work in a PR (public relations) related job.
I can understand why she thought that. I was good in conversation with people, even with much older people. I was attentive and made people feel comfortable. In high school, I was student council president. It could be that she made those remarks because she observed that I was highly social, or the other way around, that I developed in this direction because of her opinion that I was social and most introverted.
Likely, it was a combination of both. Amongst a multitude of things she saw in me, probably this one trait was appealing to her personally. She emphasized this, and I went on to strengthen this observation by putting it into practice.
Fast forward 10 years, I was working as a project manager at a big bank, working and corresponding with 50 or more people on a daily basis. After several years in that job, I realized what an introvert I was. I was not a particularly social person. Of my group of 4 friends I hung out the most with during work, I was the least social.
I did work with a LOT of people on many projects. But it wasn’t because I loved working with a big crowd. I preferred to work on my own. I worked on those large projects despite not liking to work with a lot of people.
What I loved and was excited about was making things happen. Launching new projects and making changes. Working with lots of people and being social was a necessary requirement in that job. It was a very weird but important realization.
I am not saying that I got into project management because at the age of 16 or so my mom said I was a social person. That would be a stretch. There were plenty of other things that got me into that field, among others, coincidence. But this comment of hers left a deep impression on me. Coming from someone that close to me, it must mean something.
You might think that as an adult you are a separate entity and immune to your parents’ influence. But it’s not that simple.
Think of something that your parents said to you as a child, teen, or even an adult. Some assessment of your personality, character, or skills. Then really think about what effect it had on you.
These can be positive, negative, true, or false. Here are a few examples:
“You’re really good with cars!”
“You’re writing doesn’t make any sense.”
“You’re so tidy!”
“You always make a mess!”
“You would make the perfect doctor!”
“You were never really good at drawing.”
And so on.
The point here is not to blame or place any judgments on your parents. Or any other people close to you whom you trust who uttered something along those lines.
What people say and comment on are oftentimes a reflection of their own likes, dislikes, fears, and hopes. In most cases, the comments are uttered innocently, without any specific intention.
The result can sometimes be positive, negative, or neither.
And here we need to differentiate between a positive or negative statement and a positive or negative effect. Here’s an example:
You might be a very good illustrator. But when you were a child, your drawings were still quite clumsy. Someone in your family said ‘your horse looks like a dog’, and boom you get scared and unconfident in your skills. A negative comment that resulted in a negative outcome.
On the other hand, you might actually suck at drawing. You wouldn’t win a drawing contest even against the 3 neighbors living next to you. But when you were a teen, your mom always told you “I think your drawings are world-class, you’re a Picasso!”. You get pumped and overconfident, not in touch with reality. You pursue a career as a painter despite having no talent at all. This was a positive comment that also resulted in a negative outcome.
What do both of these examples have in common?
- Not questioning the parent’s (or the person’s) comment, and
- Not examining the statement and arriving at your own conclusion
As an adult, it’s dangerous to attach yourself too strongly to your parents’ opinions and beliefs.
When you were a child, you had no other way.
But once you’re an adult, you need to develop an independent mind.
Independent doesn’t mean not considering other people’s opinions and beliefs at all. It would be childish to reject any insights just for the sake of being a rebel.
It would even mean that you’re not strong enough to hold your own core. That you can’t listen to any opinions out of fear that it would shake you.
Independent means that you process the input you get from your parents, friends, even society, independently. That goes for the input you receive now and in the future, as well as ‘old commentary’. Detach yourself from old commentary, e.g. ‘you are so social’.
Put it under a microscope and observe it.
Which part of it is true? Which part of it is useful? Which part is not true and not useful?
Why care about doing this? By being an adult who can independently assess information and commentary, you gain from the useful insights, but you also save yourself from pain, negativity, and resentment towards those giving you the comments and advice.
I took the statement ‘you are social’ under the microscope. Some parts of it were true. I am in fact very good at talking with people, listening to them, and having a productive conversation. I am also very good at coordinating people’s efforts to achieve a bigger goal. I can even be the life of the party (of people whose company I enjoy!) for a few hours every month or so.
Some parts of it were not true. I have no interest whatsoever in working in a PR-related job. I hate networking events. I much prefer reading a book for 6 hours on a weekend than going to a party. I love talking to people and having in-depth discussions, but I need plenty of time to recover and restore my social energy.
How do you think your parents influenced the way you see yourself, and the career you have now?
If you could step away from that influence and look at the situation, how would it change things? Would you still have the same job? Have the same kind of career?
What have your parents told you about pursuing a career? Positions, titles, status? Academic degrees and titles? Earnings and promotions? Security and risk-taking? If you’ve stepped outside of your relationship with your parents and loved ones for a moment, what would the best decision be that you could make for your career?
